First of all, due to popular belief, it ain't what you might see at a
Playboy Mansion Play Day. In fact, most
of the nudist resort patrons were ex-hippies in their late 50’s to early 70’s. Although many of the naked bodies I observed
didn’t appear to look any different than any other naked body of the same age, it
is my humble opinion that fitness was not a priority.
On the other hand, the folks were very gracious and genuine hosts of any
cook-off as ever I have attended. They understand that open nudity takes some
getting used to by most people, so they didn't require the cooks to take their
clothes off with one exception; you do have to get naked if you want to get in
the swimming pool or hot tub. (I'm not really sure about nudity on the
volleyball area, but it seemed to be the rule of the day).
I've always said, it's bad enough being a little over weight, so with
modesty, along with other potential embarrassments to consider, (not to mention
an ozone awareness day), I opted for the "Shorts & T-shirt" look.
I noticed that most cooks joined me in my choice of "dress code".
When it comes to exhibitionism, (although, in all fairness, I don't think
that's what you would call it at a nudist resort), I guess I will always have
my short-comings to consider. I did take my shoes off for a while, but then I
discovered the fireants by the back of my truck, which contained my cooler.
As I arrived at the front gate, I was given a long list of rules. As a
matter of fact, the list took up a whole typewritten page, and this is
important, because proper nudist resort protocol is strictly monitored and
should never be taken lightly. I don't remember all the rules, (In fact, I
don't remember most of the rules because I lost my rule sheet), but here are a
few I remember, and found worthy of comment.
For example,
YOU MAY ONLY TAKE
PICTURES IF YOU HAVE THE PERMISSION OF THE SUBJECTS INVOLVED!
Interestingly enough, many of the people there don't mind having their
picture taken, I guess because, unless you have your own photo darkroom, not
just any average Photo-mart will gladly develop pictures of naked people (Keeping in mind that digital photography was not commonplace back at the time of this particular chili cook-off).
Also, never, never, ever use a video camera.
I personally witnessed a cook who innocently tried to video tape a group
of local patrons who appeared to be already posing for a still picture. I was
quick to observe that this breach of nudist resort etiquette is slightly more
serious than attempting to pass through security at an International Airport
with a suitcase full of grenades. (It wasn't a pretty sight).
NO SUGGESTIVE BEHAVIOR,
COMMENTS, OR REMARKS!
That's easy enough, although, from time to time, there was a temptation
to say "Damn! or "Check that out!", or "May I help you with some sunscreen?". You can imagine
that the opportunity for an occasional innuendo was enormous. (I was in my mid
twenties before I realized that an innuendo wasn't an Italian enema). But there
is a gray area of acceptable remarks that I think you can get away with. A
friend of mine who rode over that day kept saying, "Hell, they just don't
care!" and "This is unbelievable!" (Followed by an adolescent
chuckle).
NO STARING!
I'll be the first to admit that the human body, Biblically speaking, is
a Divine thing of beauty, (regardless of the shape it's in), but when there are
a bunch of them wondering around in an open field, well, you just can't help
but to stare. This is when good peripheral vision, along with a dark pair of
sunglasses, has it's advantages. If you do stare, try not to get caught
staring, and if you do get caught staring, don't act like you were consciously
staring. (Make it look purely incidental). And for Pete's Sake, don't take a
picture without permission.
(I'll paraphrase the next one)
DON'T OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGE
THE NUDITY OF OTHERS!
Now I'll admit that by the end of the day, I was beginning to get
accustomed to all the nudity, however, there were some people wearing gold
earrings through body parts that I'm pretty certain that the Good Lord never
intended to have an earring through. (Now that I think of it, I'm not sure that
"earring" would be what these articles of jewelry would be called,
but I think you've got the idea).
Well, I’m sorry folks, but the question finally had to be asked… "Doesn't that hurt?", followed by,
"So, can I take a picture?".
In reality I think that what the "powers that be" want to avoid
is such remarks as "Are those real or store-bought?" or "Have
you ever injured anybody with that thing?" or "May I help you with some
sunscreen?”.
IF YOU CHOOSE TO
PRACTICE NUDITY, YOU MUST ALWAYS CARRY A TOWEL TO SIT ON!
I'm sure that this is for sanitary reasons, but let me interject for a
moment. I'm sure you've heard those stories about a kid who accepts a dare to
touch his tongue to a metal pole in sub-freezing weather, then it gets stuck?
Well, picture if you will, what could happen to an innocent butt cheek when the
temperature hovers near the century mark and the picnic table benches are as
hot as the pavement on Interstate-20 at high noon in August. (Talk about heat stress!).
I'll bet that a towel is some mighty comforting insurance against a 3rd degree
nightmare.
All kidding aside, I managed to focus on my recipe well enough (in spite
of all the naked distractions) to get 3rd Place out of about 120
cooks and I won a large beach towel.
Copyright © 2013 Denning Key
