Thursday, May 2, 2013

Spring Cleaning

Thoughts of spring cleaning are not so unusual this time of year. Especially when we get tired of digging through all the sweaters, jackets and other winter weather paraphernalia in search of cooler attire. (Plus, I decided springtime was a good opportunity to put away all the Christmas decorations still sitting in the corner of the Family Room).


I usually try to move all that stuff to a closet or the attic. Of course, there’s always the problem of finding even the slightest square inch of space to put anything in a closet when faced with the wall of useless stuff (I could never part with) that’s been collected and tossed into the closet.



One year I decided to empty all the closet(s), drawers and other places for useless stuff to hide in an effort to reorganize and discard non-necessities along with other household cleaning duties. Not to mention, there was probably some stuff I’d find that I haven’t seen in years. Who knows what treasures I might find? On the other hand, in an effort to reduce “clutter” I have several guidelines, when cleaning out closets:

1) If I haven’t missed it, it’s probably of no use to me now, so it usually needs to go away. Granted, there will always be those old photos that somehow got sandwiched in between empty box of Altoids and the Family-pack of Chapstick that is found in the back of the bottomless pit, I like to refer to, as the Kitchen Drawer. Photos can always be kept, but all else, in the event it hasn’t been missed in 15 years, can more than likely be thrown out.

2) Any food found in a closet, a couch or under a bed is probably past its expiration date, particularly if it’s unrecognizable. I know it’s tempting to look at that leftover piece of pizza and wonder if the zip-lock bag kept it fresh for all these years, but trust me; I wouldn’t go there. It’s better to let the leftover piece of pizza move on to a higher plain of consciousness. My main question would be “How did this get here? And how did I miss it all this time?”. I realize that discarding the leftover pizza goes without saying but I have a few bachelor friends who might consider the alternative.

3) I was cleaning a closet and found about a half dozen Beach Bags. One beach bag with a broken handle strap containing three Estëe Lauder brushes, two combs, seven Bic Pens, nine Band Aids (one had escaped from it’s wrapper), part of what appeared to be (at one time) a granola bar, half an order of McDonalds french-fries, twelve bottles of chunky sun screen (assorted from 15 SPF to 50 SPF), a headless Barbie Doll (I think it was the Mermaid Barbie, but without the head it was hard to tell), one of Barbie’s shoes (apparently not belonging to the Mermaid Barbie and a disposable diaper. (All three of my kids are grown now, just to let you know how long it’s been since we’ve seen any diapers around our house).

I did save the Estëe Lauder brushes, combs, Bic Pens, and a few of the Band-Aids. The rest went straight into the trash.

A friend of mine, who called during this event thought the Mermaid Barbie should be saved in case the head ever showed up. I decided against this and even though I considered a proper burial at sea for the Mermaid Barbie, I reluctantly but gently laid her beside what was left of the granola bar and the McDonalds french-fries and she is now resting comfortably in the city land fill.

As for all the other beach bags, I dumped what was left in them into the trash and rolled three of them up and stuffed them all into the largest one, but I’ve digressed enough…   Back to the guidelines…

4) Christmas Ornaments can be tricky because I know I only need them for one month out of the year which requires finding a safe place for the other 11 months that is out of the way, and not in my way (like the attic). The only real problem with the attic is the summer heat can damage any plastic ornaments, and God forbid anything happen to my plastic Santa Ornament riding a miniature Coke Bottle, much like Slim Pickens riding the nuclear warhead at the end of the movie; Dr. Strangelove.

5) I still remember when I discovered that I could vacuum drapes. I always wondered what those fancy hose attachments that came with my Hoover were for.  My Mom would be proud.

On a side note, due to popular belief, cat’s (mine in particular) don’t like speeding up the Spring Shedding Process by being vacuumed…   Just sayin’…

6) When I was a child, Dad wouldn’t allow me to take food to my room. He said it attracted roaches. I guess he was right, but have you ever examined all the stuff under the cushions of a couch or recliner, particularly if it’s in a room with a TV? It’s unlikely that any crumb seeking insect or varmint would have ever bothered to venture upstairs to my room with the smorgasbord available there. With the exception of money or jewelry, I can think of few other things that may be found under a seat cushion that could be saved (I don’t care how good those nachos were during that last football game)… Again, it’s amazing what those Hover attachments can do.

7) Once I had most of my house relatively organized I figured it was actually time to “clean”. Did you know that a Styrofoam Budweiser Cooler should never be used as a mop bucket with Pine-Sol and hot water?

I do now…

8) For some people, refrigerators need once a year cleaning too. In reality, I think they should be monitored on a regular basis. Of course, you have to keep in mind that I generally only keep mustard, mayonnaise and an assortment of canned and bottled goods in my refrigerator.  I have a friend who used to clean her refrigerator about as often as she got a chance to tour Europe. It’s these refrigerators that usually have varying degrees of living things residing somewhere in the back of the refrigerator behind the leftover potato salad from that 4th of July party.  This is when I usually pick up the Tupperware container and ask yourself “Was this Pizza or Guacamole Dip?”

Well, there are just a few suggestions. You’ll probably notice that I didn’t get into the dusting of furniture. That’s kind of a no-brainer if you use a feather duster. If you actually get the lemon oil or the Lemmon Pledge (furniture polish) out, you’re on your own.

By the way, never use Lemmon Pledge as an insect spray. Several years ago, I was at a Ranch up north of Dallas and tried to kill a scorpion with lemon furniture polish and all that happened was that he got really pissed off. 

Trust me, it’s not wise to spray a scorpion with lemon furniture polish while bare footed.

Actually, aside from reorganizing the closets and drawers, I think next time I will leave spring cleaning to the professionals.  It’s a lot less strenuous and much easier on the allergies.

Copyright © 2013 Denning Key